xeyesclosedx

It's crazy when you smile the way you do when I'm with you. I keep on changing my mind but somehow I'm back every time to those arms. I can't help but close my eyes sometimes and imagine that its almost real. Back and forth with the love hate but somehow you make my day. I wonder how many lies you've told to change my mind... but for what? I can't tell this time, you've got me shook. I fall apart sometimes when you don't let me go. Five more minutes and it lasts all day. Five minutes and I'm floating away on that same cloud again. But the truth is I wish it would end. I can't even walk away. I have to. I have to run. The impossibility of this shook my world. I have to go before I get burned. I already feel the heat.

Honestly, the last thing I need
is to play your games,
to walk your way,
to say your name.
The last thing I need
is to hear your lies,
to waste my time,
to fear good-byes.
The last thing I want
is to let myself slip,
to fall on my face,
to walk with a limp.
The one thing I need
is to walk away,
to forget your face,
to seize the day.

Don't be afraid of falling, or of someone falling on you.
The sky is bright enough to get you through.
Live baby, live it up, drink it down, and never turn around to face the past, its gone, it won't last.
Find it in a moment, that place to feel alive, and nothing else will matter, you'll survive.
Let go, don't worry, and let things get a little blurry. ♥

C'mon baby hold me
just a little bit tighter.
This could be something
just close your eyes.
Started out wrong
but it feels so right,
time doesn't matter
when it comes to the night.
C'mon baby hold me
tight
and don't let the sun in yet
the mornings change you
into someone else.
I don't want the light
to take you away
because I'm waiting for the day
when you tell me to stay.
C'mon baby just close your eyes
and let the night take over the day.

The first thing I want to do is kiss your lips... hard.. until I can't breathe at all, or hear a sound. And the screams at night are silent while you sleep.. so I close my eyes and forget you until the sun comes up and I disappear. The life and death of everyone's favorite mistake. Remembering is half the illusion. Forgetting is survival.

Fuck you. In every way fuck you. I can only wait so long. Fucking grow up and fuck off.

YOU'RE A FUCKING FAILURE. p.s. I'll always be better than you.

I cannot stand to live in this stand still. I'm not going to ever find the laughter I used to know. I feel like any color is wrong.. Every color is so wrong.. even green is wrong, blue is a mistake, brown too far from mine. I don't know where to look except in the mirror. I am nothing and it isn't working with anything else. I JUST WANT TO GO BACK. I don't even know where to.

The real question is.. when and how do I STOP fucking up?

My life fell apart. I thought it was forever and I'm still not sure it isn't. I don't know, but I wrote poetry a few nights before. And when I read it, it feels like I wrote it after, and that makes me think it was the right thing to do. I miss him. I love him. But I don't think now is the time for that anymore. We are the best of friends. And Jewel is on the tv singing my favorite songs and changing my whole world and I'm still a mess but I always have been. I will find myself, I hope, at least. Maybe that's all I can ask for in this.

My world crumbled and sometimes it's not alright. But right now it's as good as it can be, and we had no other choice.
He is still my best friend. I'm glad we knew that and we never forgot.

I hate reading journals/ seeing people from my past hearing their bullshit. Especially when they are like, "wow, everyone is so childish/fucked up.. why won't they grow up?" ect. Then you hear things about then or KNOW things about them already and it's like.. you are just as lost and fucked up and a fucking stupid childish asshole, just like the rest of us so STOP pretending and STOP being a douche bag and blaming it on everyone else. Seriously, just end the show. No one cares enough for you to even have to lie.. just tell the truth and you won't be so annoying to me. Thanks.

p.s. my life is lame and fucked up, but so is yours so admit it. ha

This weekend Gus and I took a short trip to the Cape. We didn't leave until late on Saturday night because we stayed at his nephew's birthday party kind of late. Once we were on the road, and even when we got closer to Dennis we laughed and had fun. I didn't pee. I think this is the first time I have gone anywhere in a car for that long and not had to pee. Also, we didn't fight about directions, or the fact that we couldn't see through the fog. Another first. He just told me to be careful.
We got into my aunt's house and I went pee, and he unloaded the car. We were tired and basically I gave him the tour and we went to sleep. The next day we got up kind of early to leave for the other side of the cape for his aunt and uncle's BBQ (partially why we went in the first place). We got there and unbelievable. His aunt and uncles house is right on the water. Every single bedroom has it's own deck looking out over the beach. It was decorated as if we had done it ourselves, and we both agreed it was perfect. We went down to the water which was incredibly warm. Eventually we played washers and got pretty drunk, meanwhile eating all day. We had great talks with his family (whom I love almost more than my own).. he has this huge amazing family.. I tell them all the time how much I want it so bad since they seem to just be happy. And my family is so small it's like impossible to get along. The best part about them is they are SO huge but they always have these great parties and everyone tries to make it to every one. I do. (=

Anyways.. coming back from the BBQ we probably shouldn't have been driving. Well, Gus did, but we were both crazy. We laughed and had fun and made it back to our side of town. We stopped at this little Italian restaurant where we ordered more drinks. We talked about where our families were from and how I love italian food. Then he said, "It's like we're talking for the first time." And honestly, it felt like the first time in a long time that everything was perfect.
Maybe it is.

If you could find it in your heart to love me
I could find it in my heart to find you
In an old coffee shop by the window
And we wouldn't say a word,
just smile
And wipe the tears from each others eyes
And wonder where we've been all this time.
I could never compare you to anyone else
or the backwards version of that
You are the empiness in my life
and the one that fills my dreams
With a thousand promises neither of us could keep
and always knew it.
So if you could find it in your heart
To dream of me forever
I could find it in my heart to find you
On a train going anywhere we want
And I'd follow you forever
Even if it meant never meeting greens and blues.

my life is endlessly chaotic.

and my heart is bursting at the seams. ahh.

I hate being me. falling in love is too easy, and it never ends.

Life is annoying

seriously.
sjkb
JSFBNA'JBFE'

The face of serenity
Pierced by eyes of dew
And a kiss of wet love
Conquered only by a leaning comfort
And the quiet breathing of sleep

The companion of raindrops
And snowflakes
Along in pairs on an arc
Of purchased love
Never questioning the morale of man

Are you alive at all
Like the emptiness inside my soul
I hate your silence
And the sight of your back
And the letters screaming all the things you lack

Find it inside yourself
To walk away before the path grows over
Or you'll never find your way again
Endless nights ahead of searching for lovers

You only kiss flat stomachs
And your chances good-bye
While my car drives on away
A house of memories left to stay

One grain of sand
For your thoughts
And nothing for your dreams
They're lost
Among glass rocks and dirty hands
Never enlacing mine
Even in the muds of time

The night lives on in your heavy breathing
But I lie awake
Planning my escape.

Lord, send someone's love my way
So I can forget he existed
Forget he ever went away
And late at night, hold my hand
While the sky takes a friend
Wash the tears with raindrops and gumdrops
And empty rooftops of memories
That never really meant a thing
Until they disappeared behind him
Like the horizon, or the sand
Inside a now lonely hand

Lord, send some love my way
I'll take a strangers smile any day
And I promise to pass it on
To anyone alone
So darkness may turn into the sun
And I can forget that he is gone.

The sound
it's like a million hearts beating all at once
and my ears scream and bleed
like children falling to their knees
and there is no resurrection
no sign of grace
or love
just freezing cold bed sheets
and tears that pierce the air
all the while soaking my pillow with my insides
there is a silence
like when you can hear an icicle drop
in the night
so cold, slicing the sky

dreams are far
laugher, gone from the wind
and every time day breaks
it begins again

the neverending story
of two hearts entangled
trapped
wrapped up in each other's veins

I've been waiting for the night to fall
for the day to break
just to end it all
the emptiness that hangs
yet catches no dreams
no fears
no hearts
and I fall apart.

I've recently realized that no matter what I do I can never change who I am and how I got here. I can't make up for mistakes or change the past or my past or my father or anything that leaves me standing completely still some days, wondering if I'll ever be as happy as I always thought I was. I can never turn around and not care about what I'm leaving behind, or what I'm losing in the distant dirt road on a path I'd like to think I cut myself. But I still feel incredibly out of control of every move I make. I feel as if I can never be who I want to be or act the way I want to act or even make the choices I always thought I wanted to make. Even when I try my hardest I still surprise myself sometimes, creating the best of times, creating the worst of times. I wonder if the past is now, if now is then, if the future is so unbelievably unfathomable that it's practically nonexistent. I wonder and I don't even care what the answers are because I can only live one second at a time lately, and it has to be enough because if it isn't I might never make it through a single day. I am undeniably at my best, and sometimes still at my worst, doubting every moment I've ever lived, every decision I've ever made. I suppose I'm not alone, but I feel so alone. But the truth is, being alone is all I really need sometimes and even those chances are far and few. I wait for a million clouds to wash away my sky so that I might squint my eyes and see some sort of dream waiting for only me. And just when I think I have nothing left to say, I begin to type and my fingers can't move fast enough. My mind can't slow down and sometimes I lose my own thoughts on the distant dirt road, falling by the way side with memories of tree houses and trampolines, and a million first kisses that all meant so much. I think if I could time it, I've written this all in a single minute, enough to change my life. Like I said, I have to live for every second because I might not make it though the day. If there's all this in just 60 seconds, you can only imagine what an hour in my heart is like. I don't intend to change anything, though the past still plagues my mind and I wonder if I will ever be enough, even for myself. I started forgetting who I was, but I remember, quite clearly, that my days used to mean something. I drove in the sun today, in the freezing cold weather, and it felt like summer. And even though I drove in my truck with my coat zipped up, it felt like a white car with the sunroof open and a million sun rays piercing my skin. And finally, I felt the past was the past, though it will never leave my mind.

what shit poetry. I need something more.